This week, I have been suffering from thee worst bout of mom brain I have ever experienced in 9 1/2 years.
Is it even “mom brain”? It feels more along the lines of “mom-fog-swimming/spinning-brain” with a side of eyeballs rolling further back in my head if I close my eye lids to try and regroup.
My ability to multi task has completely diminished. I sat down to write out a menu and work out a grocery list and I thought my head was going to burst.
The other night, I couldn’t simply make dinner while wearing Anastasia like I typically do when she fusses while I am trying to get something done. Instead, I forced myself to choose between the baby and dinner, choosing dinner and going nutsy coo coo while making it and listening to the poor baby scream.
Who does that?
Every time I start thinking about getting all my ducks in a row to get things rolling for our new school year, I shut down.
My house needs a maid. My kids basically run their own show, with very little regard to what I have to say about it. They stay up way too late and I stay up way too late-er.
One part of my brain can view myself and logically discern how to snap out of this. Like the sane part of me can quite easily diagnose the insane part of me. But, as soon as I try to apply some sanity to the insanity, my head starts spinning again.
When this first hit me, I felt so exhausted it was like I was drunk. So, I didn’t make myself do anything more than what was necessary: Eat, drink lots of water, manage myself in order to manage my family. I still felt completely overwhelmed though, and lost in a dense fog.
I have gotten a little better over the past 2 days, but I am still not in the clear. I actually made my grocery list as well as a to-do list. I have gotten myself on to lunch time and then when things are calm in the afternoon, I tackle one or two things on my list which is a huge leap from not being able to even write something down. I am scratching off the easy stuff like doing laundry and tidying the living spaces of the house, but those bigger things still make me grab my head to try and keep it from spinning off my shoulders.
It actually helps to type it all out. What I am going through that is. I have been talking to Lowell and my bff has been sweet enough to offer #alltheHailMarys and check in on my progress, or lackthereof, each day. Their listening and pieces of advice while I sift through this strange fog has been so tremendous!
I need to be accountable and I need to have something to show for myself. Even if it’s just a small thing like writing grocery lists and doing a load of laundry. I have found that I have to place myself in a small place that slowly opens to a place that’s a bit bigger.
So, each morning, I start with Anastasia and then myself. Then I assess what Lowell and my kids need. Then it is things like bills or other important familial responisbilities. Then the house. The outdoors. Extended family. Friends… I haven’t gotten very far out of the baby and me space and into the next space of my hubby and kids until today, but it is a start!
But, what I want to know is: WHAT IS THIS really?????? Is this some form of late-onset-post partum depression? Am I officially tapped out of all my physical nutrients due to pregnancy and breastfeeding? Am I just exhausted thanks to breastfeeding hormones? Is this some other type of hormonal thing that is somehow at bat with my diabetic self that is making me loopy for whatever reason? Am I overhwelmed by my load? Do I need some “me time” to recharge? Do I need exercise? Do I need more sleep? More vegetables? Is this that I am quite frankly not in my twenties any longer? What.Is.It?
Have you ever experienced this kind of thing? Is this normal-ish for post-lotsa babies and in your early thirties? Any advice or pointers on getting through this on top of the game and in a timely fashion? I am all ears, er um eyes!, if you can help a mother out.
On a positive side note: We are all eating, laughing, dressing, bathing, and praying everyday! I am able to go through the physical motions albeit checked out in a way, but inside my head is another story that needs a serious rewrite.